So Long Insecurities…

I am an insecure person.  I am.  I wish I was not, but I am.  I know this about myself.  I have always known it.  Do I like it? NO! And I am going to do something about it!

As a twin, I always had the security of being a part of something more special than just me.  There were two of us, and I was secure that my sister was always there.  THEN, she moved away and went to college in a  different town as I.  Suddenly I had to do things on my own. Oh insecurities started creeping deep.  Then I  made new friends, became an active member of my church’s college group and moved forward.  I still had my insecurities, but I hid them well. I am very good at hiding them.

I completed college, graduating with a degree in nursing, married and moved to a new town.  Oh, insecurities.  See, I had always lived at home.  So, even after my twin moved away, I still had some security in knowing I was “home”.  I still had family and life long friends I could cling to.  Newly married, living in a new town, starting my career as a nurse was all scary. BUT, my twin sister had married, also, and was living in the same town my husband and I made our home.  YEAH!  My “other half” was back with me.  I could count on her for support as I started my married life and career.  However, as the years went on, life happens.  My twin, Lana, moved away.

I had friends.  But they were not a replacement for my sister.  Then, after years of friendship, the woman I considered my best friend (besides Lana) ended our friendship.  To this day I am not sure what happened.  After a 9 year friendship – it was gone. I loved her children like my own. Her husband and mine were close friends.  I reached out to her on many occasions – letters, phone calls – there was nothing.  I finally had to let go of someone who was so special to me, so dear.  That was 5 years ago. I have to admit I am still not over that hurt.  The fracture of that relationship caused me to become more insecure about building friendships, for the fear that after opening myself to someone, I would be hurt again.  I am not saying I have not had good friends.  I have several friends who are dear. I realize they love me for who I am and nothing else.  Those people are few and far between, for me.  I am grateful for them.

There are still insecurities.  I have always been self conscious of my appearance- how I am perceived. Insecure about my career – am I a good nurse?  Do I know enough? Am I smart enough?  Does my husband really love me? Do my friends really care about?  Now, as a blogger, I have insecurities in the blog world.  Is my blog good enough?  Do I have anything of value to say? I could go on and on.

You get the idea?  Have any of you ever felt this way?  Is it just me?  I don’t think so.  I think we all have some insecurities.  Don’t we?  Although, I think, if you ask most of the people who know me, they would not think of me as shy or insecure.  I hide it well.

I would like to say as the years have increased,  I have become more secure with myself.  In some areas I am more secure, but in most I am not.  Now I find myself in a new city, after 16 years in East Texas.  Living in not only a new city, but a new state and at least 6 hours from our nearest family.  I keep up with close friends on Facebook, blogs, and phone calls.  But I know I need to make new friends.   

So, how do you make new friends – put yourself out there- when you are insecure?  Well, I am just doing it! I have do make myself do it.  We found a church which we love.  I immediately signed up to attend several events planned for the women of the church.  I know I shocked my husband by doing this.  He knows how I shy away from these things.  I knew if I attended I could meet some like-minded women.  And, who knows, maybe make a friend.  Last weekend I went with a group of eight ladies, from the church, to a Beth Moore conference. OH BOY that was awesome!  I really connected with several ladies and was so glad I went.  While with the ladies I discovered our woman’s group would start a new study this week.  I knew this would be for me!  We are reading Beth Moore’s book “So Long Insecurity -you’ve been a bad friend to us“.  Oh yes, I knew this book was screaming out to me- “READ ME!  READ ME!” So, I bought the book and have begun a new journey.

Here is what Beth writes as a definition of insecurity:

Insecurity refers to a profound sense of self-doubt– a deep feeling of uncertainty about our basic worth and our place in the world.  Insecurity is associated with chronic self- consciousness, along with a chronic lack of confidence in ourselves and anxiety about our relationships.  The insecure man or woman lives in constant fear of rejection and a deep uncertainty about whether his or her own feelings and desires are legitimate. 

I don’t know about you, but several of those descriptions were crying out my name.  It is time for me to let go of all of it.  Find my worth in Christ and the plan God has for my life, letting go of the self-doubt, fears, etc.  

This morning was our first meeting.  It was a small group.  We shared prayer requests and then dove into the topic, discussing the first two chapters of the book.  I am excited to be apart of this group.  I know I will get to know these ladies in a more intimate way and I KNOW I will benefit from this topic.  This book is good.  Really good.

By making myself get involved with the new church, meeting woman and making new friends, I hope I am breaking down some of my insecurities, becoming more confident in the woman God has made me to be.   When I told my sister I had going to this new Thursday morning study, she said she was so proud of me.  She KNOWS how insecure I am.   She knows how hard it is for me to put myself out there with people I don’t know.  It has been hard.  BUT, it has been worth it.  I know this will all make me stronger.  I know God is not done with me.  I am  clay He is continuing to mold.  I am thankful the potter has not given up on this weak, insecure woman.  He is blessing me daily with my new friendships.  Actually, I just got off the phone with one new friend.  She and her husband have invited my family over for a Fourth of  July cookout.  She has daughters who are similar ages to Grace.  Our husband’s have a lot in common as well.  I feel a true friendship blooming.

I am on a new journey  – one that includes letting go of the insecurities, grabbing on to life and enjoying it with the freedom of knowing I am one of God’s children- created in HIS image, loved, living His plan for my life.

I am linking this post to Praise Him Friday over at Honoring the King blog.  I am praising God for bringing me to this place, in my life.  I praise Him for leading me, guiding me, and loving me – unconditionally.
Don’t forget to come back on Tuesday for “Tempt My Tummy Tuesday” blog carnival.